Embarrassing things I've done while traveling

Making a fool of yourself while traveling is inevitable.  You'll make a gesture that you shouldn't.  You'll accidentally say "Please pass me the tampon" instead of "Please pass me the salt" when trying to use a foreign language.  You'll forget to say "hello" when you enter a shop and piss off the owner.  And that's ok, because everyone does it.  Also, it builds character.  Ok, maybe not, but it makes for a few good stories.  Besides, you'll never see the witnesses again

I've had my share of embarrassing travel moments, just like everyone else. Some were accidental, some were committed on purpose, and some were just purely idiotic.  So shame be damned - for your entertainment, here are a few of the embarrassing things I've done while traveling (don't worry, this is just a sampling):

1. Accidentally walked into the middle of a funeral at Sveta Nedyela church in Sofia, Bulgaria.
2. Shamelessly took a picture of a traffic accident involving a watermelon truck in Sofia, Bulgaria. The vehicle owners were not nearly as amused by the scene as I was.  They were also not amused with my picture-taking.
3. Went to some hot springs at night on the island of Ischia in Italy with a friend and 2 Italian men, and totally assumed they were “just being nice to the tourists”.  File this one under "dumb-ass".
4. Consumed too many terremotos in Santiago, Chile.  I don’t remember what I did, but I know it was cringe-worthy.
5. Jumped out of a metro train in Cairo, Egypt and promptly laid down in the middle of the outdoor platform in an attempt to not pass out. The locals kept their distance from the western chick lying on the ground.
6. Tried to talk my way into Cambodia with a supposed lack of blank passport pages, merely resulting in a loud and long scolding in front of other travelers and demands for bribe.  And all this happened on a tiny speedboat.
7. Puked my guts out on a park bench in Monaco while the elite of Europe sauntered by. I put the "ass" in "classy".

So don't worry if you mispronounce the name of the beer you want to order at a pub, play a game of charades with a local in the town square to figure out where the nearest toilet is, or accidentally fill your water bottle from a public water fountain meant for dogs. You're not semi-conscious and prostrate on a train platform in the Middle East. Laugh with the locals and keep on going - they have no idea who you are, and you probably made their day.

The world, according to my liver

I've subjected my stomach to both the pleasure and pain of foreign cuisines here and there.  The winners were epic and unforgettable (warthog ribs in South Africa, prosciutto and melon in Italy, and tamarind shrimp in Vietnam).  The failures were cringe-worthy and forgettable regrettable (black pudding in Scotland, winter melon tea in Vietnam, and tako poki in Hawaii).  I've also put my liver to many a test.  Here is what my liver thinks about the rest of the world:

The Good

1. South Africa.  Wine country in South Africa makes my liver swoon.  It cried tears of sweet, sweet joy while processing the bubbles at the Graham Beck winery.  It declared it's undying, eternal love to Lynx's Blanc de Noir.  And the first touch of Amarula liqueur sent it frolicking into the lush, green hills chasing rainbows with a gaggle of puppies and kittens.  Quite frankly, I'm afraid my liver is going to defect to South Africa.
2. France.  The home of champagne.  The motherland of the tiny, beautiful bubbles that turn my liver into Tickle Me Elmo.  In France, my liver's inner child comes out to play on the see-saw, race across the monkey bars, and revel in youthful delight.
3. Germany.  The dark, glorious complexity of German beers make my liver want to don a smoking jacket and retire to the library with a cigar and a feeling of utter contentment.  The hefeweizens and doppelbocks have the ability to convince my liver that it can aspire to be The Most Interesting Man in the World.  

The Bad

1. Vietnam.  The "happy water" in Sapa turned my poor liver into a terrified child cowering in a corner in the fetal position.  By the end of the night, it was wide-eyed and crying, "No more, please, no more!" The beer was Budweiser-ish, but with Asian names such as Tiger and Bia Ha Noi.  Trying to convince my liver that this was beer is akin to eating turkey bacon and vainly hoping that the stomach and brain won't take notice.  My liver shook its head in shame at my consumption of such inferior alcohol.
2. Cambodia.  Once again, my liver had to tolerate the consumption of southeast Asia's version of Miller Lite.  With each new bottle, it would roll its eyes, sigh, and say to me, "Again?".  But it gained a new appreciation for these beers after I gave it it's own version of eletroshock therapy - garlic-infused vodka.  It breathed a sigh of relief when I went back to the good ol' Angkor beer.

The (almost) Ugly

1. Egypt.  My liver had a fit when it realized it had to spend 10 days in a predominantly Muslim country.  It's life flashed before it's eyes with visions of withering away and dying.  It fell to its knees in joyous thanks when it realized that I was staying with friends who were experienced expats - with a fully stocked liquor cabinet. 
2. India.  Once again, my liver was up in arms at the prospect of 10 days in a country that frowns upon its nectar.  But it was rescued a second time by understanding expat friends that had plenty of provisions on hand. And, I daresay that the nearly barren state outside of the expat compound gave it a new appreciation for cheap brews - it actually welcomed the ice cold Kingfisher beer that I fed it.  I must say, I was rather proud of my liver for learning to appreciate some foreign culture. 

The (truly) Ugly

1. Botswana. My liver has already informed me that if I so much as think about going back go Botswana, it will declare mutiny and go into hiding indefinitely.  The shot of Klipdrift (which, granted is made in South Africa, but my liver associates it wholly with Botswana) knocked it to the ground, twitching and screaming in pain.  It had barely recovered when it was hit with yet another poison - Chibuku.  Chibuku can best be described as a stale, fermented corn milkshake laced with a bit of moonshine.   Alcoholic gruel.  This was more than just an offense to my liver - it was a crime against internal organs (including my stomach).  I think my liver even tried to call the UN to report me after it regained consciousness from its violent reaction to the Chibuku. It's scarred for life, and I think it's writing a book.

WTF

1. South Korea. My liver left South Korea in a haze, wondering what kind of circus it had just been forced to partake in.  First, it was drowned in soju, thoroughly convinced that I was attempting some form of waterboarding for my internal organs.  Then I nealy gave my poor liver frostbite and sugar shock from a slushy pina colada concoction that came in a ziplock bag with a straw and a smiley-face sticker. It dusted off the glitter, Engrish, and Hello Kitty (not that it remembered where any of it came from) and wandered off into the night hoping that someday, maybe, it will all make sense.

Bribery: it works, b*tches

Here in the US, bribery normally carries a negative connotation and falls under the domain of politicians, Mexican drug lords, and egotistical nightclub patrons trying to skip the long line to get inside.  In other countries, though, it's often the only way to get things done.  Bribery can also be used as a threat.  "If you want to avoid ____, then give me $$."  I found myself in this very situation while attempting to enter Cambodia.

I was so proud of myself for double-checking all kinds of things before departing with my backpack for a month.  Automatic bill pay set up?  Check.  Travel alerts placed on ATM and credit cards?  Done.  Plenty of Skype credits?  Yep.  Enough blank pages in my passport for remaining visas and stamps?  Got it.

Well, I thought I had it.  As I was crammed into a tiny speedboat hurtling up the Mekong River with about 7 other tourists, the official on the boat responsible for processing our departure from Vietnam and our entry into Cambodia informed me that I was out of pages in my passport.  Not only that, but in order to avoid being deported to Ho Chi Minh City, I had to pony up an extra $40 (in addition to the $24 fee for the Cambodian visa) so that the Cambodian officials would "hopefully" let me enter their lovely country.  Well, horsesh*t, I though.  I still had 3 full blank pages left, and I was NOT going to fall victim to some stupid border crossing scam.  Also, I didn't have $40.  I only had $4.  So, no way, Jose.  You can take your pathetic bribery demand and stuff it.

And then Jose pointed out something in my passport:  those final 3 pages are not for visas.  The first 14 or so pages are for visas and entry/departure stamps, but the remaining 3 pages are for amendments and endorsements (and by all means, go get your passport right now and check this out).  Well, what on earth is a visa if not an endorsement that the Powers That Be reckon I'm non-threatning enough to enter their country and poke around for a few days?  While this logic made perfect sense to me, Jose was having none of it.  Nope, I was going to get deported unless I forked over $40 and kept my fingers crossed that Cambodia didn't deport me, anyway.  F@#%.

"Hey Dan, can I borrow $40?"  Dan handed me $40 with a grin that gave away exactly how much he was going to make fun of me for this later.  I grudgingly handed it over to the boat guy.   And I got my Cambodian visa.  I bet that punk bastard kept $35 and gave $5 to the Cambodian border official along with a story of the latest stupid tourist on his boat.  Whatever.  Giving in to his demands was cheaper than deportation.  And Cambodia was completely worth it.

Happy fun monsoon time

When I first booked this Asia trip, I was rather worried about traveling during monsoon season.  I pictured myself trying to make my way around India, Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia in constant, torrential rain.  I thought I would be living in my raincoat and water shoes.  And then I actually took the time to read about the monsoon.  Sure, there is a lot of rain, but it tends to come in short (albeit rather heavy) spurts.  Well, shoot, that sounds like summer in Alabama.  No problem!  And for most of the trip, it really wasn't a problem.  Sure, it rained on me a few times, but not to the extent that I thought the ominous-sounding word "monsoon" entailed.

Not until we arrived in Cambodia, at least.  The monsoon gods decided that we couldn't escape the continent without a proper understanding of what the monsoon can truly unleash.  And that's how I ended up literally wading my way around Siem Reap on my very last day of the trip.

The torrential rains that Dan and I hadn't exactly managed to escape over the previous couple of days swelled the Siem Reap River far past the capacity of its banks.  On my final morning, I woke up to the sight of the river lapping at the entrance to my hotel.  My water sandals had broken just days before in the Mekong Delta.  The only functioning shoes I had left were sneakers.  I could hear the monsoon gods laughing.

It didn't take me long to realize that a 6-inch cover of water barely fazed the locals.  In the US, such an occurrence would shut down a town and make the national news.  But Siem Reap barely blinked.  Motorbikes and tuk-tuks still traversed the streets.  Vendors still pedaled their wares.  Children went nuts playing in the street.  The hotel manager's son made a grand event out of it by sporting an umbrella hat and floating around the hotel entrance on an inflatable raft.

So what's a tourist to do when this city floods?  Wade barefoot through the streets, give in to taking a tuk-tuk ride to the Angkor Museum (as opposed to walking - or wading), and sit around drinking lots of coffee and beer.

I hired a tuk-tuk driver from the hotel entrance to take me all of 1 mile north to the Angkor Museum.  I sloshed my way into the backseat, and he drove through the flooded streets to deliver me to the entrance.

I had to get a little creative for this endeavor since I didn't have appropriate flood footwear.  I packed my sneakers and a small towel in my bag, and when he pulled up to the museum, I dried off my lower legs, slipped on the shoes, and hopped out onto dry concrete.  Easy.  I probably looked pretty goofy, though.  But this excursion made me think - Mother Nature is certainly a force to be respected and feared, but perhaps that fear is sometimes blown out of proportion on this side of the Atlantic.  The Cambodians weren't freaking out about a mere 6 inches of water.  But then again, they survived the brutality of the Khmer Rouge, so some minor flooding is probably inconsequential to them.  It's all about perspective.  

Tuk-tuks, physics, and Batman

If Issac Newton was alive today, he would declare this his fourth Law of Motion:  If you are non-Asian and walking down the street in either Phnom Penh or Siem Reap in Cambodia, you will, per the laws of physics, be offered a tuk-tuk ride every 120 seconds. Unless the monsoon rains are raging.  Dan and I proved this to be true through numerous non-scientific and uncontrolled experiments in both cities including multiple walking trips to the American Embassy (because one of us had to bribe our way into the country... oops), searching for eating establishments that apparently no longer exist, and generally getting lost.

With this epic new law firmly established, I would like to present an additional theory on Cambodian tuk-tuks:  A tuk-tuk will attract more business if it is painted with an utterly oxymoronic theme.  I present my evidence below:

It's the Batmobi...! er, Bat-tuk-tuk.

And another Bat-tuk-tuk.

Oh my Buddha, it's a THIRD Bat-tuk-tuk.  It's a little hard to see, but believe me, it's there. WTF.

There is way too much Batman up in this town.  So it's Spider Man tuk-tuk to the rescue! Way to buck the trend, MR-nan.  I didn't take the opportunity to ride in Spider Man, but if there had been a Spider Pig tuk-tuk, I would have hired it for the day just to ride around town singing the Spider Pig song. 

A fourth Bat-tuk-tuk?  Seriously?  I want someone to dress up as the Joker and walk around town just to see if they get tackled by a bunch of tuk-tuk drivers (hey, Dan...?)

Apparently not everyone needs to claim superpowers around here to be awesome.  Let's take a closer look at this one...

I can't decide which takes the cake - the bunny that looks scared out of its gourd, or the absolutely random "FREEDOM" sign underneath the armrest.  Or the fact that it's simply the wrong bunny.

 

And finally... a Ferrari tuk-tuk!  I want to see this guy go from 0 to 60 mph in 4.2 seconds.  

 

Unfortunately, I was not in Cambodia long enough to conduct a sufficient number of observations on ride frequencies in themed tuk-tuks versus non-themed tuk-tuks to either confirm or deny my theory.  However, if you know of a scientific organization or company that is in need of such data, my data-collection services are available for hire.

Temples of Cambodia

The area around Siem Reap in Cambodia is chock full of temples from the Khmer civilization, with Angkor Wat winning the popularity contest.  There are plenty of other temples in the area, though, including Angkor Thom and Ta Prohm, both of which were used in the filming of the movie Tomb Raider.    I could easily spout off some historical and/or interesting facts, but quite frankly, you've got Wikipedia if you truly care about the details.  I'll just present a few of my favorite photos so you can (hopefully) go, "Oooh, pretty..." and then read up on them should you feel so inclined.

Angkor Wat

Angkor Thom

Ta Prohm

I know.  I'm no Laura Croft.  I forgot my skintight black leather outfit.  I hate it when I forget to pack that.

Important elements of Cambodian culture

If I were a writer for Conde Nast, Nat Geo Travel, Budget Travel, etc., I would probably go into detail about all of the charming aspects of Cambodian culture and psyche such as the big smiles and charming, friendly nature that just about everyone here seems to have, getting asked every 10 seconds "Hello sir/lady, you like tuk tuk ride?  Where you go?", the market vendors that all say the same utterly polite phrases ("Hello sir/lady, you buy someting? Tshirt?  I ha' your size.  You like scarf, bracelet...?"), the careful presentation of food and condiments at restaurants, the children screaming "Hello!!"with huge grins on their faces as they ride by 3 to a bicycle.  I would probably also talk about the beauty, awe, and majesty of Angkor Wat, Angkor Thom, and Ta Prohm and include some pictures as proof.  I will do all that, but not today (even though Dan and I did indeed visit all these temples today).  No, today I want to write about a totally different aspect of Cambodian culture:  Cambodian television.

To sum it up in one phrase, TV here is train wreck-tastic.  Dan and I have taken great pleasure in popping open a beer and finding a random tv show or movie to laugh at before calling it a night.  We were also subjected to Cambodian music videos on our 6 hour bus ride from Phnom Penh to Siam Reap. Here is what we have discovered about Cambodian TV:

1.  All Cambodian music videos follow the same plot.  Goofy-looking metrosexual male singer with blown-out hair and too much hair gel chases pretty girl.  Girl seems to dig singer.  Singer buys girl jewelry.  Girl goes "WTF, I want Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right bearing silver jewelry and hopes of commitment.  Sorry, dude." Girl wanders off to find another, equally goofy-looking Mr. Right Now.  Goofy singer gets all melodramatic.  End of video.

2.  All the music videos have the lyrics written out on the bottom of the screen, and they light up when sung.  Just like karaoke.  For the first 5 minutes of our bus ride, I was truly afraid that we were going to be subjected to not just 6 hours of videos, but 6 hours of videos PLUS actual karaoke.

3.  There is a series of music videos that all follow the plot in #1 that someone strung together haphazardly and gave it the random title "Facebook Lovestory".  This was deemed as appropriate viewing material for the 6 hour bus ride.

4.  Kung fu can ALWAYS be found on tv.  And on a 6 hour bus ride.  I think they ran out of music videos...

5.  The kung fu may be rather random and the music videos may be actual crimes against humanity, but the commercials are awesome.  This is a sample of what we witnessed on the boob tube:

     5a.  A public message about the prevention of dengue fever called "The National Dengue Song", which involved a group of children singing and performing strange dance moves with some kind of Asian do-rags tied to their heads.  They sang "Destroy mosquitoes may they be killed forever" as they tossed various items, including sliced avocados, into a hole in the ground and buried it all in dirt.

     5b.  Advertisements for Super Whiskey.  Yes, that's the brand name. 

     5c.  Advertisements for Spy wine coolers.  I have yet to see anyone in this country drink a wine cooler.

     5d.  A grand total of 4 different publc messages stressing the importance of hand-washing.

     5e.  And finally, a public message about the importance of boiling water before consuming it.  It looked just like a Saturday Night Live skit.  As 4 women in some kind of traditional dress gathered water from a lake, bacteria that was illustrated in the form of men dressed as aboriginal characters were superimposed into the collected water.  The men/bacteria proceeded to have one hell of a party in the pot of water, only to be busted up (complete with screaming and the superimposed men spiraling away into nothing) as the women boil said water over a fire and proceed to enjoy a lovely cup of water that is aborigine-free.  I mean, bacteria free.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more television to watch.

A Vague Plan for Asia

This is how my thought process goes these days:  "Taj Mahal! mango! beach! beer! One Night in Bangkok! pho! mountains! temples! monkeys! beer! mango! monsoon! palm trees! beer! pad thai! fish sauce! Ankor Wat! mountains! curry! beer! where's my passport? zzzzzzzzzzzzz..."  I leave for Asia in less than 2 weeks, and I feel like I have Happy Tourette's because I'm just that excited (mango!!).  Thankfully, my itinerary is more or less set, and I have official permission to enter all the countries I plan to visit.  Here is the basic plan:

India

• Delhi
• Agra - going to India without seeing the Taj Mahal would be a cardinal sin
• Explore the caves at Ellora and Ajanta
• Eat an Alphonso mango or 20 (mangogasm!)

Thailand

• Bangkok
• Chiang Mai

Vietnam

• Hanoi
• Sapa
• Halong Bay
• Hoi An
• Ho Chi Minh City (formerly known as Saigon)
• Run around the Mekong Delta and hope not to be taken hostage by the mosquitoes

Cambodia

• Phnom Panh
• Siem Reap and Ankor Wat

Hopefully you'll notice that "getting thrown in a third world country jail" is conspicuously absent from the list.  More details to come later!