Dear TSA: sorry about that...

After kind-of-but-not-really complaining about a few of my innocent belongings that rose suspicions from the TSA, I suppose I should be fair and admit to a few not-so-innocent items that I accidentally went through a security checkpoint with and didn’t get caught.  They key word here is “accidentally” - you know, in case John Pistole is reading my blog.  

1. Pepper spray.  I used to keep pepper spray on my keychain, and while getting ready for a particularly early flight (like, before 10am) to Alabama one morning, I was all fuzzy-brained from the early hour winning over my mild caffeine consumption.  I totally forgot to take it off my keychain.  Oops...
2. Pepper spray - again.  Well, I made it down to Alabama with it, so why not see if I could get back home with it?  The pepper spray made the round trip without even a glance from security.
3. Cuban cigars.  Ok, those totally weren’t an accident.  I mean, no one *accidentally* packs Cubans in their suitcase.  
4. Tube of Vaseline.  You should know after reading this post that I freakin’ love Vaseline.  It’s the best defense against dry skin and chapped lips that I’ve ever found.  I will go to great lengths to keep Vaseline within arms reach, and I am not even slightly ashamed to admit that. Which means that this one wasn’t actually an accident either...
5. Huge tube of lip gloss.  Hey, I’m a girl, and I like a little makeup, ok?  I’m also lazy, and I don’t want to have to dig around for my ziplock baggie full of miniature liquid products in order to make my lips look shiny and fabulous.  So I keep the lip gloss in a more accessible location, which is pretty much anywhere but in that stupid ziplock bag (I hate that rule).  Yeah, yeah, yeah, so this one was no accident, either.  

Ok, FINE.  Only the pepper spray was an accident, and that was only an accident the first time.  I don’t have any sinister plans involving Vaseline and cigars - I promise.  I just want to win the war against chapped lips and perhaps enjoy a nice cigar or 3 along the way.  

How to get TSA to dislike your carry-on bag

I'm sure you've seen that poor TSA screener - the guy sitting next to the x-ray machine trying to distinguish what's in your stuff from the image the x-ray shoots at him.  He must have extraordinary concentration abilities.  I do not.  I would either get fired, or a plane would blow up because of me.  And then I would definitely get fired.  And you have to be a very, um, "special" person to get fired from a government job.

Thanks to this screener's training and lack of ADD, I've had my bag searched for some rather silly things, though.  Well, I think they're silly.  Here are the top 5 things in my luggage that have set off someone's danger radar at a checkpoint:

1.  A jar of peanut butter.  Yes, peanut butter apparently looks very dangerous when packed in a suitcase.  Why pack peanut butter for a trip?  Because it is wonderfully tasty and delicious.  No other reason needed.  Peanut butter rocks.

2.  That mini bottle of lotion that you threw in your bag as you left your hotel room for the airport.  Yeah... they don't like that very much.  But I don't like dry hands.

3.  A pitch pipe.  You think my middle C is dangerous?  Wait until you hear my F sharp!  Be afraid.  Be VERY afraid.

4.  A CD walkman. Hey, it was a long time ago, ok?  Never mind that I still probably have that thing in a storage container somewhere...

5.  A tub of Vaseline.  Don't judge.  My skin is seriously dry, yes I put Vaseline on it, and I don't care what you or TSA think about that.

So there you have it.  If you try to carry any of the above items with you onto an airplane, expect to make friends with the TSA agent(s) at your nearest friendly checkpoint.  Just try to remember that your new friends are actually paying attention to their job.  Happy flying, y'all.

How to make TSA love you

Anyone that has flown in the past 10 or so years has probably complained about the TSA - a lot.  Sure, going through the security checkpoint is a gargantuan pain in the ass.   The lines are long, the family in front of you can’t find half their IDs and their children are screaming, and dad is somehow shocked that he has to take off his shoes, coat, AND belt.  A flight crew of 6 people comes up and cuts in front of you, and the TSA agents operating the checkpoint look like they’d rather shotgun a can of battery acid than look at one more x-ray image.  Then, there are stories of TSA agents that somehow think it’s a good idea to do stuff like this.  

But have you ever thought about what it’s like to be a TSA agent?  They constantly deal with irate, ignorant, and belligerent people all while trying to carefully match IDs to boarding passes and meticulously check x-ray images of people and bags for potential issues.  After telling people over and over again that yes, they have to take off their belts and take their laptops out of their bags, I’d lose my mind.  The TSA agents have to do this every day in a polite (well, polite enough) manner all while ensuring that our nation’s skies are safe.  Quite frankly, I don’t want that responsibility on my shoulders.  Also, I don’t deal well with stupid people.

All of us that ever pass through a security checkpoint can make our own experience less frustrating if we put forth a little effort to make things easier on the TSA agents.  The biggest thing that we can do is simply know what to expect at the checkpoint.  If you don’t know that you need to have your carry-on liquids limited to 3.4oz containers, that you need to halfway strip at the checkpoint, and that you really do have to take those pennies out of your pocket, then please drive to your destination instead.  Or take a boat.  Whatever.  

But there is one more thing that we can do that I just discovered today.  At the ID check, I presented the agent with my driver’s license and held my phone up to the scanner so that it could read my mobile boarding pass.

TSA agent: “I wish everyone had those.”

Me, slightly confused: “What... the mobile boarding passes?”

TSA agent:  “Yeah.  Makes my life a whole lot easier.”

Mobile boarding passes aren’t an option at all airports, but they’re supported at most larger airports in the US.  I like using them whenever I can because it’s one less thing for me to keep up with.  Also, my printer sucks (I like to have my passes in hand before I get to the airport).  So there you go - another, less obvious option to make the screening process easier for us all. Go mobile and make some TSA agent’s day.