GART Report #1: Crazy drivers and pigs

Thus far, the GART has produced two types of encounters: those with crazy drivers, and pigs.

Crazy Driver #1:  A large pickup truck turned the wrong way down a one-way street, headed directly toward us.  Instead of stopping and turning around, he enacted the My-Vehicle-Is-Bigger-Than-Yours logic to determine right-of-way, forced us to maneuver around him, and then proceeded to turn the wrong way down yet another one-way street to finally correct his original error.  Stay classy, sir.

Crazy Driver #2: We came upon a man in an old sedan in southern Virginia that saw no need to keep a constant speed (anywhere between 40 mph and 80 mph was fine) nor to keep in a single lane.  Although he momentarily changed his mind about that last part when his car came within inches of an intimate encounter with a guardrail.  And after this encounter, he poked his hand through the sunroof and pointed at the sky.  As we passed him during one of his 40 mph phases, he shoved his hand out the window and pointed upward - again.  After more weaving and speed changes, he revved on up to us, cut us off, took the next exit, and forcefully pointed upward yet again. I'm pretty sure he saw our DC plates and decided that we were government spies sent to chase him down, because surely he's doing something amazing and important with his life that the federal government would want to put a stop to.

Crazy Driver #3:  A guy was driving down the sidewalk in Townsend, Tennessee.  As you do.

Now for the part you were really interested in - the pigs.  Humans behind the wheel are fine, but pigs are awesome.  Right?

Pig #1:  As we drove through the glorious neon tackiness of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, one sign stood out from all the rest - the Mind Reading Pig.  Forget the Hatfield & McCoy dinner theater, the Titanic recreation on the side of the highway (complete with an iceberg!), and the Dixie Stampede.  THERE'S A MIND-READING PIG IN TENNESSEE.  I had to wonder if it's a distant cousin of the fortune-telling guinea pig in Bulgaria.  We didn't get a chance to find this gloriously talented swine specimen, but that's on my list of things to check out next time I'm in that part of the world.

Pig #2:  Roadside America is a nifty little site to check out if you're in the market for off-the-wall attractions on your GART.  It just so happened that we were passing through Dothan, Alabama - home to the Monument to the Hog.  We hadn't done anything touristy at this point in the trip, so a view of this scrap metal pig was in order.  As we rounded a curve in the highway and the hog came into sight, my jaw dropped.  The hog had a University of Alabama jersey painted onto it.  Having going to the rival school, I was less than amused by this unfortunate barnyard fashion choice.  Roadside America rates the Monument to the Hog as "worth a detour".  I wholeheartedly disagree.  People, the only barnyard animal that should be involved in football is the cow that's used to make the football itself.

And now, I feel like having some pork and driving the right way down a one-way street.  

Granny got a gun

And now, I would like to present my favorite redneck Christmas carol:

Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Granny got a gun,
shot me in the underwear
and taught me how to run.

On Thanksgiving evening, I got to see this Christmas carol come to life.  Sort of.

I was fortunate enough to spend the few days around Thanksgiving with my grandmother in the small Alabama farming community she's lived in her entire life.  She is the embodiment of both the stereotypical grandmother and the old-fashioned, hard-working southern woman.  Her demeanor is as sweet, accepting, and welcoming as you can possibly imagine.  She can cook the world's finest chefs under the table.  She will do anything her grandchildren want.  She can kill, dress, and cook any animal you can think of.  She will welcome anyone who comes in her front door as family.  She's a southern Baptist that didn't step foot inside a liquor store until the ripe old age of 82.  She kicks ass.  And on Thanksgiving night, she inadvertently reminded us of that.

A few family members and I were sitting in the living room, still in a food coma from our feast.  My grandmother had wandered off to the back of her house with her trusty walker.  Minutes later, she appeared at the kitchen door - slowly maneuvering her walker with her right hand, and with her left.... gripping a 12-gauge single-barrel shotgun.

Every jaw in the room dropped.  My grandmother looked confused at our reaction.  What was the big deal?  Had we never seen a walker-reliant 89-year old woman wielding a shotgun?

My aunts and I came out of our shocked state and jumped up to help her.  If you've never held a shotgun before, they are quite heavy.  We got it out of her hands so that she could properly handle her walker and asked her what on earth she was doing teetering into the kitchen with a shotgun.  She just chuckled at us.  The shotgun had belonged to my grandfather, and she was giving it to one of my aunts.  She saw no reason to ask for help with it since she was perfectly capable of getting it out herself.

The image of my grandmother appearing in the doorway with a walker and a shotgun is one I will never, ever forget.  For Christmas, I'm going to teach her that Christmas carol and hope she doesn't get any ideas of going one step further and teaching someone how to run.  I'm also going to install a gun rack on the front of her walker.  

Redneck entertainment

While re-acquainting myself with the deep south off-and-on over the past few months, I've been greatly entertained by many of my experiences.  While a few of them frustrated me in the moment, I managed to laugh at them later on and chalk it up to free entertainment.  For anyone who thinks that entertaining nutballs only reside in large cities like New York, I invite you to come down south and have a look around.  Here are some of my favorite entertaining experiences in Alabama and beyond from the last 6 months:

Seen at Walmart on a single Saturday night (come on, you knew WalMart was going to be involved):

1. Three hookers
2. An Elvis impersonator pumping gas, who, upon cutting in line to pay the cashier, told her, "Thank you, thank you very much."
3. A beauty queen also pumping gas while wearing her gown, sash, and cheap, oversized tiara.

If I'd been able to take pictures without being completely obvious, all of this would now be on People of Walmart for your entertainment, as well.  So now that we have Walmart out of the way, here are the rest of my favorite encounters:

1. A yellow Hummer H2 with a tag where the license plate should have been that read, "Eat No Cooter"
2. A man on a remote interstate overpass waving wildly and holding a "Jesus Loves You" sign
3. A grocery store clerk that was freaked out by hummus
4. A 20-minute ordeal in the dairy aisle in which a man thought I would much prefer to hear all about his children and his views on our "Communist president" than ponder the varieties of yogurt.

Many southerners refer to their respective neck of the woods as "God's country".  If this is true, God has one crazy sense of humor.  I dig it (most of the time).  I may have to make more trips to Walmart solely for the entertainment factor.